The “Who Does More” Argument Never Ends Well. Try This Instead.

Photo by Djim Loic on Unsplash

Calm the Eff Down

I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy, and I’m not going to tell you not to snap at your partner when they first say something like what I’ve mentioned above, because you might not be able to help it. The moment you realize you’re about to have “That” conversation, though, stop and try to excuse yourself. Tell them you’d like to talk more later, but that you need to gather your thoughts for a second. You could also just argue until you get tired of arguing and start talking normally out of pure exhaustion (guilty), but I wouldn’t suggest it.

Know Beforehand How You Feel Appreciated

If you need to hear that you’re appreciated, say that. If you want to work in some time where you get to be alone to breathe, say that. Just know where your feelings of underapprecation are coming from before you start talking again, because otherwise, there won’t really be much of a plan of action. If you haven’t already checked into the Five Love Languages, it’s helpful to know which you are, because that can help you figure out what you’d need.

Avoid Just Talking About What You’ve Been Doing Right

It’s horribly tempting to open up with “I clean up shit all day and dedicate all my energy and emotional labor to the family and almost never have any for myself and you get to talk to adults who know not to stick their hands in your pockets or scream at you, and the fact that you want to add more shit to my to-do list makes me feel really unappreciated. So I’d love it if you’d just shove it up your ass next time. Please.”

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