Member-only story
If the U.S. Was Dating Your Best Friend, You’d Be Concerned
Submitted for your approval: your friend walks into the cafe where you’re supposed to be meeting for a cup of coffee together. I know you probably don’t remember what meeting for a cup of coffee is like, but let’s pretend the COVID problem is now well-contained and life is back to some semblance of normal.
To your surprise, your friend walks in, towing some dude behind them. You thought the coffee date was supposed to be just the two of you.
“Hi!” Your friend says. “Hi, hi! Sorry I’m late. I couldn’t decide what to wear.” Your friend notices that your gaze hasn’t left the guy. “Oh! And this is Ulysses-Stephen; we call him U.S. for short. He wanted to come along and watch from over there. I told him you wouldn’t mind.”
You do mind, but you miss your friend, so you shrug. Friend sits across from you, and U.S. sits at a table directly behind the two of you, unblinking and distrustful.
You try to ignore his eyes on you. “It’s so hot out!” You say. “Hotter than usual for this time of year, right?”
“IT’S FINE!” U.S. is standing now, and he’s yelling. His eyes are about half the size of his head. “THE WEATHER IS ALWAYS LIKE THIS! IT WAS COLD THIS PAST WINTER! SHUT UP!”
